7 Steps to Fortify Your Communication as a Couple

A Catholic Psychological Approach to Couples’ Conflict Management and Communication

by Tim White, M.Psy., PLMHP

In a lot of ways, the cards are stacked against families and couples right now. Couples are under incredible stress. We now have intergenerational divorce where two, or three, or even four generations have experienced divorce. Maybe even in your family. We have a situation where stress is extremely high and no one necessarily taught us how to manage that in a relationship (Felt, 2017). The Catholic faith and God’s Word tell us to be patient, to forgive, to love—but no one asked Jesus how to do that scientifically.

Perhaps this story sounds familiar: A guy or gal meet and fall in love—they are super excited about how ideal their relationship is going to be. Soon they are married and everything is great. Then one day—wham! Out of nowhere they are arguing, feeling misunderstood, and the problems are piling up everywhere. Their relationship has spiraled into a cascade of relational dissolution (Gottman & Silver, 2015) and they don’t know how to stop it.

It is worth looking at the couples around you and asking, “Were conflict management skills modeled for me?” If the answer is no, you might want to think about counseling. Your marriage does not have to be in crisis to go to counseling. If there are lots of relationships in distress around you, you might want to fortify your relationship. We aren’t living in a time where it’s easy to get along—just look around. Extraordinary times call for extraordinary measures. Counseling is one thing that can help.

There is a lot about a skilled approach to communication that lines up with the Catholic virtues: Faith, Hope, Love, Temperance, Justice, Prudence, and Courage. The following seven things can help fortify your communication against the divisive spirit of the age:

1. Examine the Hindering Factors to Communication: What are the barriers to me being able to communicate with my spouse? What hinders us from communicating with each other clearly? Do your emotions become flooded? Are you angry before you even start talking? Is the timing right? Have we been stuck in a negative pattern for a long time? When would your partner want to have a discussion? Are there any pre-conditions that need to be established for me to feel safe to have a conversation with my spouse? What does my partner need to feel safe?

2. Build Skills: Build the skills you need to overcome these barriers. Practice these skills with a friend or coworker first until you get comfortable. If you can master these, you’re chances of enhancing and fortifying your relationship increase.

3. Establish a Time-Out Signal (Guerney, 2003): Make sure you have a “Time Out” signal, if you need some emotional space—it is okay to stop the conversation and come back to it later.

4. Empathic Skill (Guerney, 2003): The whole goal of this skill is to put your thoughts and opinions on hold until you are able to articulate exactly how the other person is thinking and feeling. Empathy corresponds to the virtues of love and understanding. You have to stop thinking and feeling your own thoughts and feelings until your partner could say, “You understand.” It’s St. Francis’s prayer, “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” Your first goal in every argument is not to convince your partner that you are right—it is to convince her that you can put her argument in your own words.

5. Expressive Skill (Guerney, 2003): Next, you express your thoughts and feelings, and make it easy to receive. Speak subjectively. Instead of saying, “You are wrong.” Say, “I think you are wrong.” Be clear that what you are expressing is your opinion and that you are open to discovering the truth together. Try to start your sentences with “I.” Make sure your partner can explain your view, too. The skill of expressing takes the virtues of courage and commitment.

6. Discussion/Negotiation Skill (Guerney, 2003): With this skill you want to take turns empathizing and expressing. You want to make the topic as narrow as possible—try to stay on track. AND at the same time, connect as deeply as you can emotionally. When both of you feel better understood, brainstorm as many good ideas and crazy ideas as possible. Don’t rule anything out yet. Couples often skip this step, and miss out on exciting opportunities. Who knows what amazing thing will happen?! Discussion uses the virtues of patience and imagination.

7. Problem/Conflict Resolution Skill (Guerney, 2003): Once you’ve both brainstormed as many ideas as you can, pick one to try for a week or two. You can try a different one next week if the first one doesn’t work out. Be super concrete about how you will implement it. Write down the how, what, when, where, why and who. Think of all the exceptions that might arise. This skill uses the virtues of prudence and hope.

You can build a relationship that is a masterpiece. With fortification against the spirit of relational stress so rampant in our times, you have the ability to create a ripple effect of strong relationships across generations. Of course it will feel like swimming upstream, but who knows how good your relationship could get—even better than it was on your wedding day? Who knows what beautiful reality could spring from a psychologically integrated, God-centered relationship.

Beyond your partner, imagine how different life could be if strong relationship skills were universal. Imagine how different many work places, churches, and schools would be. I’ve only brushed the surface of the skills you could develop, but I think that if you adopt the methods I have described, you will see a difference pretty quickly. Remember, most people were never taught these skills—you can be a light to others by showing them empathy, expressing yourself skillfully, and solving problems collaboratively.

There is a huge project going on in the Catholic psychology world to find the scientific mechanisms behind the things we’ve believed for millennia. Catholic psychologists are trying to imitate what St. Paul did with the Greek philosophers, or what St. Thomas Aquinas did with the Summa Theologiae (Davies, 2014). We want to integrate science and faith to make it easier for people to be holy. More information about the Catholic psychology integration project here: https://divinemercy.edu/department-integrative-studies/catholic-christian-meta-model-of-the-person-ccmmp/

In closing, for example, there is a program that, in my (unaffiliated) opinion, is especially helpful for dating, engaged, and even married couples. This infographic is mind-blowingly impressive and says more than I can in one article. Go to https://witnesstolove.org/about-witness-to-love/programs-2/ if you are preparing for marriage and think this resource could be helpful.

Know of my prayers for your continued growth in holiness and relationship with others, especially romantic others. Tim White

References

Davies, B. (2014). Thomas Aquinas's Summa Theologiae: a guide and commentary. Oxford University Press.

Felt, E. (2017). The Relationship Between Emerging Adulthood and Communication Patterns. Walden University ScholarWorks: chrome-extension://efaidnbmnnnibpcajpcglclefindmkaj/https://scholarworks.waldenu.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=5091&context=dissertations

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. Harmony.

Guerney, B. (2003). Relationship Enhancement: Couple/marital/family Therapist's Manual. IDEALS, Incorporated.

Johnson, S. (2008). Hold me tight: Seven conversations for a lifetime of love. Little, Brown Spark.

Vitz, P. C., Nordling, W. J., & Titus, C. S. (2019). A Catholic Christian Meta-Model of the Person. Divine Mercy University.

https://www.weforum.org/agenda/2022/11/international-stress-awareness-week-mental-health/

TIMOTHY W WHITE, MPSY, PLMHP

Tim White's education has focused on an integrated understanding of philosophy, theology, and psychology. He received his Master of Science degree from Divine Mercy University in Northern Virginia in 2020. He also holds a Master of Arts degree (M.A.) in Theology from St. Meinrad Seminary and School of Theology and a Bachelor of Arts (B.A.) in Humanities from The Pontifical College Josephinum. Tim is a Provisionally Licensed Mental Health Practitioner in the state of Nebraska. He is serving as a psychological intern for 2022 to 2023 at Immaculate Heart of Mary Counseling Center (IHMCC).

Tim is currently pursuing his Doctorate of Clinical Psychology (Psy.D.) at Divine Mercy University. He has previously worked for Catholic Charities Family Services in Fredericksburg, VA, in community mental health and school counseling settings. Prior to working in mental health, Tim was a farmer and then a Catholic seminarian.

Tim enjoys working with all ages and has experience working with children from K to 8th grade, couples, families, women, men, and older adults. Tim believes in forming a warm, easy-mannered, professional relationship with his clients that creates space for healing and growth.

One of Tim’s current research interests is couple’s conflict management and communication from a Catholic psychological perspective.