Parenting with A Catholic View of the Child

By Dr. Natalie Brei, Ph.D.

The Catholic view of the human person is that there are several distinct qualities, given by our Creator, that really set us apart and make us ‘who we are’ as humans. This is detailed in a document and related text called ‘A Catholic Christian Meta-Model of the Person’ (Vitz, Nordling, & Titus, 2020). It is a beautiful way of viewing a person, and I would like to show how we can look through this lens to get a sense of how God views a child, which can then help us out a lot as parents or adults who are in charge of caring for children/teens. Mainly, this way of appreciating the person is by first recognizing that Man is created, fallen, and redeemed – we may be familiar with this teaching. We are made for communion with God, but by our own free will fall into sin and separation. However, Jesus was sent to rescue us from the eternal consequences of sin. Through the sacraments we are reconciled again and again. The same cycle applies to children and the separation and restoration of relationships within the family.

So, ‘Created-Fallen-Redeemed’ can be viewed in terms of parenting children. First, children are created by God: created with dignity from the first moments, made to flourish, often baptized as an infant and then infused with gifts that will grow and flourish as well when nurtured, and made to enter into the community of the family. But they fall into disobedience. Like Adam and Eve, they doubt their parents’ goodness and their rules. There is rebellion and separation. BUT, children are redeemed within the family through loving correction of behavior as parents work to teach virtues (faith, hope, love, patience, self-control, etc). This includes discipline and positive and negative consequences. That is this small-scale cycle of recreation, falling into sin, and being redeemed.

There are some additional qualities within this model of the human person that we can apply to children to help them flourish, as part of the Catholic family’s quest to “build the domestic church: these are the calls to Personal Unity and Vocation. Each person is made for Personal Unity: From an early age, children can start to learn the connection between body/soul and wholeness. Parents can strive to spend one-on-one time with children, making space for child-focused activities that help a child discover his or her special gifts and how each part of him or herself integrates into a whole, unique person. Additionally, a child is Fulfilled through Vocation. Parents and those in similar roles can demonstrate to children that they have a purpose in their world, that they are called to work + service, modeled and taught by caregivers. Parents can allow for exploration of many interests and protect quiet time for children to think, to reflect on: What do I like to do? Why?

The next set of qualities through this Catholic view of the child involve their Virtue and their Interpersonal Nature. First, children are Fulfilled in Virtue . It takes a lot of time, effort, and patience on the part of parents to help children develop good habits. Growing in virtue takes structure and discipline (think of ‘discipline’ as ‘forming disciples’). Parents and other role models can use their attention – which is like gold to children – to emphasize the importance of Christian values like mercy, love of neighbor/enemy, and forgiveness. Through attention (think genuine praise and affirmation!), adults can show children exactly what will lead to happiness and fulfillment. On top of that, children are Interpersonal. How often do adults belittle children or make their needs feel silly or annoying? Children must be acknowledged as receptive and relational, which in practical terms means that adults can start to practice taking a child’s thoughts and feelings seriously, no matter how trivial. Their thoughts and feelings deserve more consideration than we often give.

Children think and feel differently than adults, so we have to understand their cognitive and perceptive qualities as well when trying to parent through a Catholic lens. All children have this Sensory-Perceptual-Cognitive quality: they sense, feel, and think about their world, of course, but their perception will depend on their developmental level. We must allow space for where they are, not expecting them to be at a place they are incapable of reaching yet! At younger ages, they have the most capacity to learn from direct cause-and-effect, practice and more practice, and gentle correction. Younger children are concrete thinkers, so the strategies that change our adult behavior do not work for them! This might involve some extra one-on-one time when the adult just strives to be quiet and see how the child thinks and feels.

Sometimes we set very high expectations without thinking of the cognitive level of a child – their naturally shorter attention span, or their need for fun and play in their learning. I say these things are reasons for behavior, not excuses for behavior. It doesn’t mean we cannot follow through with discipline, but instead that we should strive (however imperfectly) to take an attitude of love and teaching FIRST.

Next, remember that children are Emotional. They fly into tantrums, and then they snap back to equilibrium like nothing happened. They can grow in self-understanding with an adult’s patient understanding. A child’s emotions are inherently good and from God, but children need help learning regulation. If a child isn’t showing an emotion regulation skills, this is because they haven’t yet learned those skills yet. We can note that the behavior was poor but the child is not bad – they were created for good.

In addition, children do have the capacity to reason and to choose, to use their free will. Children are Rational, but remember to respect their stage of cognitive development. It is not advisable to ‘talk through’ a poor behavior in the moment, but parents can certainly take advantage of calm, peaceful opportunities to help their children grow in rationality. Parents can incorporate questions like “What Would Jesus Do” and teachings of  “love your neighbor” in daily life. They can overtly label instances of forgiveness, following the saints’ examples, or humble service.

Finally, children are Volitional and Free. They have free will too, and they exert it! Their autonomy can be acknowledged and respected when appropriate. Children can be given choices and responsibility – and consequences! Parenting like God means striving for both justice AND mercy. We can teach forgiveness alongside reasonable consequences – for example, making up for wrong actions. Adults can emphasize that they are truly rooting for their child’s goodness to come through. Saying things like “I WANT you to be able to… (play/go to friend’s house, etc.) but you chose to do XXX” are better than “Well, now you can’t go because you broke a rule.”

 The main takeaway here is that taking some time to understand how God created us as human persons can help us respect and nurture these gifts present in children as well. Emphasizing the relationship with a child first, with expectations for behavior and learning second, can help adults to simplify rules and prioritize love and delight in a child’s inherently good qualities.